Self Revelations

today is not really much different than yesterday, well as far as days go... but yesterday i went to the Liberal side of town for a counseling appointment. i've been in counseling since somewhere around July 23rd 2007. My appointment was @ 3pm. After talking with everyone who needed to be talked to and making future appointments through April, i left and went to JC Penneys to try on the latest in Spring Fashions. O my gosh! i have stopped going to the Ymca everyday and almost altogether and it really shows! i was admiring myself in the 3way mirrors and i was like so disgusted. the pounds which i had 3 months ago are the same but obviously the inches that i had lost have resurfaced and in some of the strangest places. i even have cellulite on my upper front thighs right where my panty lines would be. i rarely wear panties.!!! sorry just a side note!

i left there rather grouchy. so then i went to Catos. they had the new colors out but the clothes were just not me. then i went to a few other stores and knew that even if i found something i liked it wouldnt make any difference because i didnt have any money to spend on myself.

later, i went to the bookstore. it is a small bookstore but books nonetheless to soothe my fat little self. the only problem was that there were not any chairs in the book reading sections. there werent even any in the childrens area. that sux!

eventually my imagination kicked into overdrive and moved a chair from the front to the back and received a foot massage, read a book or two, had some decent conversation about nothing and some of everything and then finally decided to leave and go have dinner. NO, i am not Schizophrenic - i just have an awesome imagination.

dinner consisted of too thin yet superbly spicy salsa and homemade chips from a mexican food joint where i believe i have only ate there inside the state of Arkansas. the company was calm and little things didnt bother the mood.

the night ended with a Chocolate Frosty from Wendys and then i went home.

i'd kill for sunlight, uninterrupted quiet time, and a desk with comfy chair so i could belt out the best ever romance novel... O, wishful Thinking!!!

Sieze the Day, only in my dreams. when i start to seize some thing lately, its as if if it doesnt really exist. but then that could be because i live inside a fairyTale.

i have grown a lot lately. for the past 2 years, roughly, i 've been living with a guy who has a form of Autism. it is referred to as Aspergers and it makes for not happy couple time. dont get me wrong, it hasn't been all bad, but i can assure 189% it hasn't been all good. in the beginning i was suffering from a broken marriage full of domestic violence, abuse of many forms, and a man who lived a quiet life of the saint and the pedophile. i am not going into detail here, now... but i finally got the balls to leave him and did so on September 17th 2006. i have been through counseling as i have said and i have been dealing with the grieving process of a broken domestic abused marriage of 7 years. i have lost my self esteem, self confidence, will to live, and my ability to write. it has made me become very cynical to Everything and Jaded to everything Else.

and this quote above is so "ME"... i have always defined myself as a noncomformist. the girl who is impulsive by nature, liberal by needing to remain politically correct, spontaneous from needing to be different not stale, and indecisive because i am simply never sure of my conflicting self.

and then this morning, well really it was this afternoon, i decided to particpate in something in which i have participated in before and i realized that i NO LONGER enjoy the sport (so to speak)... i am becoming closer to moving on with my life. i like this feeling of learning to live Whole and Well again!!!